“Happy Anniversary,” you said, while you looked up at me with those eyes I swore I could get lost in forever. Those eyes I thought could tell me everything that I knew your lips never would. It was always those eyes.
From the moment we first met, we couldn’t keep our eyes off of each other. You called it fate, but these days I am starting to think it should only be called regret.
Why did I give so much to someone I knew I could never fully have? We both knew from the beginning that what we had could never be forever, yet neither of us ever really treated it like anything less than true love.
Before you left, I was certain I had found my soulmate. Finally, I found someone I connected with mentally, physically, and emotionally. I felt like I had won the lottery. But now I realize that my only prize was a broken heart and a head full of memories I am longing to forget.
But those eyes. How could I ever forget them?
You saw me. I waved at you. You ran after me. I gave you a chance. I made a mistake. You pretended it was okay. But then you left me anyway.
The way you looked at me before you left for Spain made it seem like all of the difficulties and loneliness would be worth it. The way you looked at me upon your return spun a different story. I will never know the details of what happened there, but one photo told me everything I needed to know.
I wonder if she saw the same love in your eyes that I did. I agree that you must have left your heart in Barcelona, because you were only the shell of who you used to be when I finally had you back in my arms. The eyes I had grown to care so deeply for began to look at me like I was just another obstacle to run away from. They looked at me with guilt and hesitation as I desperately tried to reconnect with the person I hadn’t even realized I had already lost.
I want to know where you went all of those times we were together after the fact. Were you picturing her while you were holding me? Pretending it was her you were waking up to instead of my rainbow of hair splayed out on the pillow next to you? Maybe that’s why our night was ruined. Maybe it had nothing to do with your nerves or my anxiety. Maybe it was the guilt of knowing that I wasn’t the only one in your bed that month. That I wasn’t the only one you had promised pretty pictures of the future with. I wish you would have just told me that I wasn’t the only one. All I needed to know was the truth.
But instead, you waited until I saw it with my own eyes. Everything I needed to know was laid out right in front of me. Like a slap in the face, reality hit me hard. You would never have to look me in the eyes and tell me the truth. You made sure of it. Those eyes could continue hiding the darkness in your heart while these eyes cried for all of the time they had been blind to the truth.
So, Happy Anniversary.
Was this really how you wanted your life to look?