You lost the best thing you could’ve gotten in this life, and you have no one to blame but yourself. You broke her heart, not when you left, but when you were still there. You broke her heart a hundred times a day, the way you treated her. Every time you told her to shut up, every time you ignored her text, every time she saw a million girls names on your phone, her heart was shattering.
So when you left there weren’t many tears left to cry. You destroyed her heart every day you had her, by the end it was almost a relief you were gone. She would have stayed by your side forever, no matter how bad you were for her. She never would have left you, despite how toxic you are, because her heart is too big and you were in it. She would have loved you until the end of time, if you’d let her.
But you didn’t. You left. You’ll regret that.
Believe me when I say a soul like hers will come once in a lifetime. You may find other girls who will love you, who will fall for your bullshit and lies again, but you will never find her in another woman.
You’ll miss her. You’ll miss her one day when someone scrunches up their nose the way she did whenever you stared too long. You’ll miss her when you’re watching all the shows she hated, and suddenly remember her sleeping on your chest. Her red cheeks when she wakes up and realizes she drooled all over you because that’s how tired she was. You’ll miss her when you’re cleaning around the house and you remember where all her things used to be. You’ll miss her shampoo in the shower, her makeup on the counter, her pile of clothes next to the bed when she went to sleep.
You’ll miss her when you pick a fight with your new love, and she fights back. You’ll miss the way she would call back after an argument to remind you she can be mad at you and still love you. I guess you never knew in some weird way she could hate you and still love you too, like she does now.
You’ll miss her when it’s been a hard day and she’s not there offering a back rub. You both knew she sucked, but she was desperate to make your bad days better. You’ll miss her when you’re so damn tired, and realize she’s not there to kiss goodnight.
You’ll miss her when you see a baby at the store, with mom and dad. You’ll remember all the plans she had for the future, to get married and own a white picket fence house. To have barbecues with all the kids running around playing with the dogs. You were supposed to be there, with a cheesy apron on, grilling the burgers and making jokes with all your other dad friends. You’ll remember that’s what you wanted too, at one point. You’ll remember the hopes you gave her, to build a life with her, and took it away.
You’ll miss her insecurities, and how they made her try that much harder to love you. You’ll miss every day that she reminded you how loved you were. You’ll miss her reminding you all the good she saw in you, despite all the bad that was piling up.
You’ll miss her when you see her with another man, because trust me there will be another man. I promise it’ll make your heart ache when you see him treating her the way you never would. It will kill you watching him get those little nose scrunches, him waking up to her ratted messy hair, him hearing her say “I love you” a million times a day. What will make it worse, is watching him appreciate it, the way you never could.
You missed out on her. You left her when she promised to never let go. But he won’t. He’s going to take the damage you caused and put her back together. He’s going to love her so much she forgets how much she hated herself with you. He’s going to give her back the same love and affection she gave you. The love and affection you’ll never get again.
You won’t realize it now. You’ll read this and scoff at it and ignore it, and you won’t think about her again today. You might not think about her tomorrow, or even next week. But believe this, you will miss her one day, and she finally won’t miss you.